I can be a hero

“When you accept your imperfections—and still are willing to brush yourself off and start again—you can make changes . . . for you are on a heroic journey of the heart. To me this is the best kind of hero. The kind of hero I strive to be.”  I would tend to agree.

No doubt it has been a long and arduous journey to this point.  In fact, I do not even know what point I am at in my life.  The past year has thrown many things my way.  There were times where I thought that I was just not going to make it.  Moving on has proved to be painfully difficult, but it is something that I have to do.  Reflecting now has enabled me to see what mistakes I made and what I can do to be a better person.  This has involved accepting my imperfections-there are many of them.

I do not want to say that I have been a long proponent of psychiatric therapy, because I would be lying.  Since I have been going for about 4 years now, it really has had a drastic impact on my outlook of day to day events.  It has helped me sort out my feelings, manage (to some extent) my anxiety, and reinforce the fact that I am a valuable person.  Self-esteem has been a problem for me for as long as I can remember.  I was always the one who sat in the back of the classroom and kept my opinion to myself for fear of backlash.  Feeling like you do not fit in is a terrible feeling, and I felt it all the time.  Looking back on the whole period of middle school and that surrounding time leads me to believe that my parents divorce had a much larger impact on my life than I had originally thought.  I just kept to myself and bottled up my feelings.  My sister on the other hand, was a complete disaster.  She would have tantrums constantly without regard to anyone else-she was selfish, very much so, at least emotionally.  I desperately tried to make my single mother’s life easier by feeling nothing.  No acting out, no disagreement, I would happily do whatever needed to be done, just to keep the peace.  At that time, it was necessary, or at least I had thought so.  What I deemed as necessary had a very negative impact on me, even to this day.

Going with the flow is not always the right thing to do.  You can agree with others just to make them happy, or you can act as an individual and feel what YOU feel.  For so long I was going along with anything, just to feel as though I had an important place.  It turns out that was probably the worst thing I could do for myself.  It really is not all about pleasing others, at least entirely.  Realizing that I must please myself as well has been a difficult concept to grasp.

It’s real.

With due credit to boy for finding this link, the Gulf Coast Oil Spill is more heart breaking every day.  Not only has it gone on for well over a month, but all efforts to stop the spill have failed.  The “blow-out” mechanism that was supposedly fool proof was not, the top kill procedure that we were all first told was working has failed as well.  Aside from a dome like cover that would stop the leak, the next effort will be to drill a reserve well that may not be completed until August.  August?  What are we supposed to do until then?  Sit back and relax while millions of gallons of oil gush into the Gulf of Mexico and continue to spread to other shores?

This disaster has put things in to perspective for a lot of people: America’s huge reliance upon oil being paramount.  I am sure than many will agree that our country as a whole, is a very consumer driven one.  There is always something bigger and better to be had.  We want more, more, more.  This has had a particularly significant impact on me as I struggle to minimize my desire to consume.  Over the course of the past 6 months, I have been seeing someone who has enlightened me to a lot of things – minimalism has been a very important highlight over the course of our relationship.  Not only through consuming less, but simplifying things are a few of the lessons I have tried very hard to work on.  More on that at a later time.

It has also brought out anger, compassion, and the value of the human character.  Many people are at their wit’s end trying to understand how such a disaster could have happened, at all.  Mistakes, mechanical failure and human error do exist.  Although the chances of something of this magnitude happening are so remote, as humans, we tend to push it to the very back of our minds insisting that it is just not possible.  I think it may be safe to say that we can compare this to an aviation disaster.  The nature of the beast requires due diligence with maintenance and strict adherence to safety protocol.  Any deviation from said procedure can result in a fault and even an accident, as is the case with BP and this disaster.  Granted, one is innocent until proven guilty.  There is a flurry of mixed opinion as to questionable maintenance practices on the part of BP, as well as inspectors being paid under the table.

On the other side of the coin, the public has rushed forth with support ranging in prevention of destruction to fragile wildlife and marine ecosystems to drastic cleanup efforts. In instances such as this, offering to help without expecting payment reinforces this idea of human compassion.  It goes to show that in times of need, there are those that are willing to pour forth support and respect.

Another problem that arises here, in my opinion, is that of trust.  Human beings have an inherent nature to trust others.  Big companies such as BP should be no exception.  A company’s image can become quickly tarnished when wool is pulled over the public’s eyes.  Does anyone really know how much oil is leaking from the well?  Did BP ever even have a plan if such a “blow-off” valve were to fail?  By the looks of it, no and no.  The value of BP’s stock has plummeted 15% since Tuesday (05.08.10) bringing the total loss to about 40% since Mid-April.  This is astonishing and blatantly showcases the public’s opinion of the company.

Something to think about.

It’s all so cloudy

I have had a lot of emotional trouble lately.  The past 3 weeks have been really hard for me with boy leaving to go home for the summer.  I guess I did not realize how hard this would be.  Trying to find things to occupy my time have been very difficult.   I suppose it may be more of me not wanting to find things to do and drowning in my own sorrows.  It has been taxing on both myself and him.  It is not fair and does not have to be a constant struggle.  Unfortunately, it is what it is and I do not have the power to change the summer.

Self-esteem issues have plagued me ever since I can remember.  In grade school the bullying was torture.  I could never stand up for myself and I fear that will be a hard habit to break.  I need to find something that makes me feel worth while.  I know that I am an amazing person.  I have a habit of worrying myself sick and shutting people out.  I listen to what people tell me, but I am afraid to believe it.  Realizing that I am loved and cared about are ideas that I need to accept, especially in the case of him.  I have been pushy and unreasonable with demanding a response to my feelings of love.   There is a truth to the statement “actions speak louder than words” – I need to think about that more often.

Intensely difficult it is, only because I have made it that way, and continue to do so.  I need to get my damn head out of the clouds.  How is there any benefit to making a situation more difficult than it has to be?  Absolutely zero.